Ever since he'd been a kid, and he'd gotten into those stupid fuck-ups with Marcus, Foreman had been working on taking his anger and holding it in. He'd disappointed Mom. Put Marcus in danger--and not only that, given him the first taste of the thrills he was still chasing down. It was Foreman's fault. If he hadn't taken Marcus with them when they'd gone on a few reckless joyrides, or to sneak into a couple of houses to grab whatever they could find that was lying loose...if he hadn't given in to Marcus's begging, then Marcus wouldn't have...any of it. Gotten arrested. Gotten hooked. If Foreman had been a better brother, more in control, if he'd done things right, then Marcus wouldn't be in jail right now. And Foreman got to live his perfect life, but it didn't save Marcus. And being right about the medicine didn't save what he'd had with Amber. It still felt bitterly unfair, that she could accuse him of not listening, when all he'd done was trust his own instinct. They'd both been fooled... "You're right," he said, frowning. "I should've listened to Brennan. We've had weirder cases...bubonic plague. If I'd done the test when he'd asked, if I'd gotten you to do it instead of him, we would've known right away that it wasn't polio. I should've thought about why he was so sure."
That wouldn't help whatever was between Amber and him, and he knew it. Foreman supposed her reaction would show whether Amber thought the problem was "not listening", or "not listening to her." With all the facts they'd had in hand at the time, he'd still been right to make the MS verus lupus call. Amber didn't like his reasoning, but the fact was, it'd been a judgement call, and he'd been the one in charge to judge. Decisions weren't always going to go her way. But he'd still admitted something; he could change, get better. "I'll--next time, I won't shut the discussion down if there's an unusual possibility," he said. At this point, that was as much as he could promise.
Amber hadn't met his eyes. Her face was reddened, but she wasn't as incandescently angry as she had been even a moment before. Foreman's eyebrows drew together when she spoke. Turned her down? Was she really, finally, being that blatant about admitting that it was only her suggestions he should have listened to? No--she wouldn't be embarrassed, if she did come out and say that. And it wasn't something she'd admit, anyway. Foreman took a few steps into the room, and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing her, letting his hands rest limply in his lap. This was about last night. Going home with her. "It wasn't you," he said. "I was angry. You--" His voice became harsher, and he pulled himself back again. "I was hurt." Admitting it cost him, made him tighten up in humiliation. Hurt, over what? A stupid, meaningless argument? A professional disagreement? How damn weak did he have to be to get hurt over something like that? Foreman forced a swallow, furious at himself, at having to explain. "I almost didn't make it, I almost never got here," he said. "I could be--like Marcus. But I got a chance. And I can't stop thinking that if I'm not right, if I'm not the best, all the damn time, then I'll--someone will notice. I'll get kicked out." He shrugged. God, he sounded like an idiot. It didn't make any sense, it was fucking stupid. He was being neurotic. "I didn't want to go with you when we were both upset, because we might've made it worse. I might've. And I didn't want to ruin it."
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That wouldn't help whatever was between Amber and him, and he knew it. Foreman supposed her reaction would show whether Amber thought the problem was "not listening", or "not listening to her." With all the facts they'd had in hand at the time, he'd still been right to make the MS verus lupus call. Amber didn't like his reasoning, but the fact was, it'd been a judgement call, and he'd been the one in charge to judge. Decisions weren't always going to go her way. But he'd still admitted something; he could change, get better. "I'll--next time, I won't shut the discussion down if there's an unusual possibility," he said. At this point, that was as much as he could promise.
Amber hadn't met his eyes. Her face was reddened, but she wasn't as incandescently angry as she had been even a moment before. Foreman's eyebrows drew together when she spoke. Turned her down? Was she really, finally, being that blatant about admitting that it was only her suggestions he should have listened to? No--she wouldn't be embarrassed, if she did come out and say that. And it wasn't something she'd admit, anyway. Foreman took a few steps into the room, and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing her, letting his hands rest limply in his lap. This was about last night. Going home with her. "It wasn't you," he said. "I was angry. You--" His voice became harsher, and he pulled himself back again. "I was hurt." Admitting it cost him, made him tighten up in humiliation. Hurt, over what? A stupid, meaningless argument? A professional disagreement? How damn weak did he have to be to get hurt over something like that? Foreman forced a swallow, furious at himself, at having to explain. "I almost didn't make it, I almost never got here," he said. "I could be--like Marcus. But I got a chance. And I can't stop thinking that if I'm not right, if I'm not the best, all the damn time, then I'll--someone will notice. I'll get kicked out." He shrugged. God, he sounded like an idiot. It didn't make any sense, it was fucking stupid. He was being neurotic. "I didn't want to go with you when we were both upset, because we might've made it worse. I might've. And I didn't want to ruin it."